The wall started it

Things have to get worse before they get better.

One of the biggest stresses in all of our lives recently (mine, the Captain’s, and even my parents, with whom we are cohabiting for a few more weeks) has been nappy changes.

It would not be overdramatising to say that nappy changes have become the bane of my existence. It’s safe to say they are also the bane of Munchkin’s existence, considering she carries on as though she’s being tortured. Water boarding has nothing on nappy changes is this household.

A couple of weeks after my diagnosis, I hit a low point. I’d had my first appointment, which was good I guess, but also dredged up a lot of stuff. I guess they have to break you before they can put you back together, and I was well and truly broken.

It had been a hard day – Captain was back at work after taking time off to help me cope with everything, I woke up tired and grumpy and everything just got on top of me, little by little.

Then it was time for one more nappy change, and the screaming (not me) and shouting (that was me) and the feeling like I was so, so far from the parent I wanted to be, the overwhelming sense of failure, to the point where I couldn’t handle it any more.

So I walked away. Then I kicked a wall. Instant regret, followed quickly by pain. Where is this guy when you need him?

I left Munchkin with my parents for a couple of hours and went out – I window shopped, drank coffee (in a real cup!) and did some work (not the kind you get paid for, at least not yet). It gave me a chance to unwind and to reevaluate.

The following 24 hours of staying off my foot as much as possible also helped me think. I wouldn’t recommend my method, but the pain was a good reminder of what I don’t want for my life or my family.

Since then, things have started to improve. I’m not beating myself up over everything, or trying to do everything myself.

I’m enjoying life more, playing with my baby more, laughing more and shouting less. It’s a slow process, I still have too many days where I struggle to cope, but things are getting better and it feels good.

Semi-related, I saw this on Facebook and thought it was great: